A Xmas Message from Egypt

An Alternative Christmas Message
From the Egyptian Gods

(Slightly edited for 2006)

Isis: Good evening, and may life strength and health be upon you all. I am Queen Isis of Egypt, bringing this message to you, live from the Pyramids, for the festive season. Now you may not be aware that the day you call Christmas also happens to coincide with my darling son's birthday…

Horus: It's my birthday, we're gonna party like it's my birthday-hey mum, you got any more of those mince pies?

Isis: Sorry hun, I gave them all to my dear Osiris. His ka needs to be sustained and serviced you know!

Bastet: Working at the Ka-wash, working at the Ka-wash yeah!! (giggles) I wonder where Anubis is?

Isis: he might come later, but he's scared of the fangirls. He's still recovering from the glomp injuries he got last Halloween.

Fangirls: But we wanna see Anubis! He's so cute! And according to the mythology, he's still single! (fangirlish squeals)

Hathor: (to fangirls) Go away, or I'll unleash Sekhmet on you.

(Sekhmet grins evilly)

Fangirl 1: Oh yeah, like, we're so scared…anyway, I ain't leaving this place until Noobie comes! I've got mistletoe!!

Fangirl 2: hey, I was first!

Fangirl 1: no I was first! You should go with Horus!

Fangirl 2: Eeewww! No way am I going with that freak with a beak!

Horus: What did you say?? (eyes glow menacingly)

Fangirls: Er, we're sorry, almighty falcon god, we didn’t mean it-seriously!

Horus: And for you're information, I'm already taken…

Fangirl: Oh yeah-you're with Seth, right? SLASH!!! (more squealing)

Horus: Right, that does it! (zaps one of the girls with laser beams from his eyes)

Fangirl 1: Aaaargh my eyes! They huuurt! I think I've gone blind! Oowww…

Bastet: Shall I unleash the lioness?

Isis: No…you might scare off the kids watching this!

Bastet: Too late…

(Sekhmet glares at the girls and scares them off with her roaring and claws and teeth beared, and by waving a huge blood drenched sword at them)

Fangirl 2: Ruuuun!!! (girls run away)

Fangirl 1: (now in distance) we don't care about Anubis anyway! He probably has dog breath…

Hathor: A drink, anyone?

Sekhmet: I'll have the usual!

Hathor: Bloody Mary it is then. (goes behind the bar and pulls out jugs and pots of drink) And catnip liquor for you Bast?

Bastet: (nods- then a beeping noise comes from under her dress) Hey, I've got a glyph message! (pulls out phone from her dress, flips in open and reads the hieroglyphs that appear on the screen.) It's from Thoth. He says he can't come because-get this-he's doing his homework. (giggles) Typical Thoth, eh?

(Anubis and Osiris appear-Anubis is dressed as Rudolph and Osiris is dressed as Santa Claus, holding a candy-cane crook and flail and a sack full of presents)

Bastet: Whoa Noobs, what in the name of Ra are you doing in that?

Anubis: it was Ossie's idea. I look like such a plonker!

Horus: Anubis the red nosed jackal, had a very shiny nose, do do doo…

Osiris: em ho-ho-hotep to all of you! I know if you've been bad or good, so if you've been a good boy or girl and haven’t broken any of the negative confessions, you'll not only get loads of pressies, you'll get yourself a place in the blessed afterlife! If you've been naughty though, your heart will be devoured by Ammut and you're soul will be destroyed! Muahahahahaha!!!

Isis: hey darling, you got presents for all of us!

Osiris: Yes, that's right! Now, the first one is for Bastet…

Bastet: oooh!  A ball of yarn! My favourite!! (jumps on yarn and plays with it and rolls about on the floor)

Osiris: For you, my darling…

Isis: a jigsaw puzzle?

Osiris: it has one piece missing-seeing as you coped very well when you put me together and I had a piece missing! (winks cheekily, nudges Isis, chuckles and kisses her) Ok, Sekhmet, you've been rather naughty, so my present to you is… (hands her a leaflet)

Sekhmet: Anger management counselling!? (roars)

Osiris: You really need to control that temper of yours-you're like a weapon of mass destruction, you know, remember last time?

Sekhmet: But I was really hungry-I mean, I was really angry, and it was that time of the month, and all…can't you at least give me some beer? That should calm me down good and proper!

Osiris: Not after a Bloody Mary! And this is for you, Hathor, since you're the goddess of music…

Hathor: Ooooh-an iPod! I've always wanted one of those!

Osiris: And for you, young pup?

Anubis: Oh daddy! You got me some Anooby Snacks! My favourites! (opens packet and scoffs snacks
voraciously)

Osiris: And finally, something for you, my son.

Horus: Whoooaaa! Cool shades! (puts them on)

Osiris: they're specially designed to protect your eyes from getting ripped out, just in case you and Seth have another ruck!

Horus: And they make me look so totally awesome, ain't that right, Dog-Dude?

Anubis: they sure do, Bird-Boy!

Isis: Hey look! Look what Mother Nut has done to they Pyramids!

(Everyone sees that the pyramids are covered in stars, and they look like stone Christmas trees)

Osiris: They're beautiful, sweetheart! (puts arm around Isis's waist and pulls her towards him)

Horus: what? I can't see them!

Hathor: You will if you take your shades off, sweetie!

Bastet: Oooh, shiny! (purrs)

Isis: Oh dear, time's nearly up for our little broadcast, so before we go, I'd like to wish everyone season's greetings.

Horus: And a Happy Horusmas! Woot!

Isis: Whatever you celebrate, be it Christmas, Horusmas, Yule or whatever, make it a good one, and I wish you a very happy New Year 2006.

Osiris: Would that be 2006 BC, or AD?

Isis: AD of course, darling. Oh look, the fangirls left some mistletoe behind! (picks up mistletoe off ground and kisses Osiris)

Hathor: Why don't we end off this with a song?

Osiris: What an excellent idea!

Bastet: And a one, a two, a three and four!

(all sing) Rocking around the pyramids
Have a happy holiday
Everyone dancing merrily
In the old Egyptian waaaaay!!!

(Gods all walk (like an Egyptian) off scene)